Tebow is respectful, wholesome and a man of God. He has no obvious failings besides an inaccurate throwing arm.

Well that is unfortunate, as THAT IS HIS JOB. Not to teach us all about Jesus. His job is to THROW THE BALL TO SOMEONE ELSE, and if he wasn’t talking about God all the fucking time, then no one would be talking about him. 

The New York Giants famously prayed on the sideline during Super Bowl XXV for Buffalo Bills kicker Scott Norwood to miss a potentially game-winning field goal. Major League Baseball players are always thanking The Almighty for their home runs or their saves. Tebow is more conspicuous about it than most, but a genuflection is quaint compared with, say, post-touchdown dance celebrations worthy of the Rockettes.

YES, DUH, YOU IDIOT. The fact that he is so fucking conspicuous about it, so literally holier than thou, is what MAKES Tebow annoying. Want to pray? Pray! Want to thank God for your touchdowns (because, if there is a higher power, CLEARLY he cares about the AFC West)? Go for it! But do it PRIVATELY. Not because you should be ashamed of your faith, but because your job is not to evangelize through television. And being so public all the time, putting your faith on display like that, makes us all think that you are doing it for the cameras, not for your eternal soul. (Also, what the hell is wrong with the Rockettes?)

And he doesn’t just do this on the football field, which, if he was anywhere near as “humble” as this article suggests, is perhaps to where he would limit himself: 

Feminists were outraged by a gently pro-life Super Bowl ad he did with his mom about her troubled pregnancy when she was carrying him.

I’m sorry, but I am now writing this post from the grave because I AM DEAD. You thought that was a “GENTLY PRO-LIFE” ad??? What about this is “gently” pro-life? That ad’s message is about as gentle as the ass-rape scenes in Oz. 

By any reasonable standard, though, Tebow is a blessing.  He won’t be getting arrested for groping a woman at a Halloween party (Julian Edelman), for accidently [sic] shooting himself with the Glock he smuggled into the dance club (Plaxico Burress) or for running a dog fighting ring (Michael Vick).

NO. THAT IS NOT CORRECT. Saying that you don’t like Tim Tebow does NOT mean by implication that you approve of the abhorrent and stupid behavior of players like Edelman and Burress and Vick. Because Tebow and Edelman/Burress/Vick/etc. are not opposites! The opposite of Tim Tebow is a player who you may have never heard of unless you are a serious football fan, someone who quietly plays for their team and works hard and doesn’t act like an ASSHOLE on or off the field. Someone like, I don’t know, Aaron Rodgers (although we’ve all heard of him by now) or Adrian Petersen or, DARE I SAY IT, Chris Cooley of the Washington Redskins. THEY are the opposite of Tim Tebow, because they are nice guys who are not IN EVERYONE’S FACE all the time, and more importantly, they are NOT TERRIBLE. 

Here is a prominent player who will almost certainly never require fathers to make awkward explanations to their kids about some spectacular scandal. 

Right. “Fathers,” not “parents.” Because only men watch football. 

Ugh. Read the whole article here. But make sure you have some Xanax ready.