Well, that’s not totally true. I do know that I love food. But I am totally NOT a food blogger, nor do I want y’all to think that I am. I mean, one of my all-time favorite foods is microwaved “queso,” in which the only ingredients are a can of spicy Rotel and a block of not-even-actual-cheese Velveeta. (I would bathe in it. I’m half kidding.) But, because I scored a last-minute reservation to this obscenely good restaurant, I felt like I should let you guys know what I thought. 

Oh so this is also a terrible review because I don’t have any pictures of the food. But that’s because Ko doesn’t allow pictures. Which is kind of a nice change of pace, I think. But they are super strict about it. When The Dude took out his iPhone to Shazaam a song (Phil Collins, “I Don’t Care”), the staff got all pissy because they thought he was going to take a photo. So you’ll just have to imagine the presentation.

So, here’s what we ate. Some of the first few are probably out of order (god this is really the worst restaurant review EVER) because we didn’t keep track until halfway through the meal.

• Amuse bouche: There were actually three little things. Uni on top of pickled cucumber, a trout and dill mousse situation with lemon oil, and something that resembled a pork rind with crazy orange salt. All awesome, but the trout was just absurd. That little bite was probably the best part of the entire meal, and that’s saying something. 
• Fluke crudo with chives, onion and black bean sauce: This was good, but I actually think the fluke with pistachios and strawberry at Ma Peche is better. Also, I have no idea if I’m using the word crudo correctly but I hear it on Top Chef a lot. 
• Beef carpaccio with horseradish: Not a standout, but delicious. 
• Pork belly with lettuce, oyster and kimchi broth: This was sort of like a deconstructed version of the Bo Ssam pork EXPERIENCE at Momofuku Ssam. Obviously it was awesome because David Chang is the master of all things pork belly. 
• Eggs with caviar and fingerling potato chips: This was The Dude’s least favorite dish because he doesn’t like eggs. I know, right? Who doesn’t like eggs? Eggs are a contentious issue for us, and it makes going to brunch really difficult. (I think that is probably the whitest sentence I’ve ever written.) But ANYWAY, for those of us who understand how delicious eggs are, even (especially!) when they’re all fatty and runny and you can mix the yolk up with a bunch of other stuff, this is heaven in a bowl. 
• Halibut with heirloom tomatoes and corn tempura: The halibut was just okay. I wished it was a little hotter, actually. But the vegetables were ridiculous, and now I want every Japanese restaurant to include corn in their tempura platters.
• Tortellini with fried sweetbreads, lobster mushroom and ginger infused watermelon: I don’t even know what to say about this. It was just…beyond. The watermelon especially. 
• Foie gras with lychee cubes and gelatin something: So the set up at Ko is basically a little bar, and the chefs make the food right in front of you. I see the chef set out two bowls with the lychee cubes and the gelatin something (sorry, I forget what that was) and then he takes out this cynlinder that is wrapped in butcher paper and starts shaving MASSIVE amounts of whatever this is on top of the bowls. Like, the bowls were just COVERED in this shaved substance. “That’s frozen foie gras, I bet,” The Dude says. I say, “No way. They wouldn’t use that much if it was foie gras.” YOU GUYS IT WAS FOIE GRAS AND IT WAS FANTASTIC.
• Lamb with leeks stuffed with Greek yogurt: Amazing, perfectly cooked lamb. 
• Onion-lavender ice cream with onion seltzer: This was weird. Like, really weird. Probably my least favorite thing. I think it was meant to be a palate cleanser or something, but it was like a strange explosion of onion in my mouth. (That’s what she said?) 
• Strawberry sorbet with Chinese cake, sesame and fennel: I think this was supposed to be a deconstructed strawberry shortcake or something? Actually, I don’t know, but that’s what the cake tasted like to me. I’m not a huge dessert person, so this didn’t blow me away. 
• Buttermilk, white chocolate and mint thingy: This was like a little petit four, I guess. It was just okay. Honestly, I think the desserts were the weakest part of the meal, but maybe they were just too experimental and I didn’t really get them. 

We also got the beverage pairing because, I mean, DUH. It was cool because they didn’t just pair courses with wine, but also with sake and some local beers. At first I thought they were being kind of stingy with their pours, but I don’t exactly “remember” my cab ride home last night, so I guess they weren’t. 

Also? This was the PERFECT amount of food. I’ve done a few other tasting menus where I’ve been just uncomfortably full afterwards, even after leaving a few bites of each dish. This wasn’t like that at all. I ate everything, it was all delicious, and I left full but not dying. 

So, basically, it was awesome. Undoubtedly one of the best meals of my life. Good work, David Chang!