Today I discovered that I could make the shrugging emoticon man hold things. It’s my most important achievement to date.
- Hear the opening refrain of “Single Ladies.” Immediately take this as your cue to start heading towards the bathroom.
- Be intercepted on the way to the bathroom by your boyfriend’s mother, who instructs you to “get your booty on that dance floor!”
- Respond, “But I’m not single! We have two cats! In New York that means we are basically common law married!” Receive a negative response.
- Begrudgingly walk onto the dance floor while being pulled by one of your boyfriend’s cousins. Make sure one hand is firmly clenched around your drink.
- Find the tallest woman on the dance floor. Stand directly behind her.
- Shift your hiding position in order to avoid your boyfriend’s sister’s gaze. Be thankful, for once, that you are very short.
- As the DJ counts down to the bouquet toss, look directly at the ground.
- Realize, after a moment, that your boyfriend’s sister has not actually thrown the bouquet, but rather is running directly towards you with a maniacal smile on her face.
- When your boyfriend’s sister runs into you and tries to wrestle the bouquet into your non-drink-holding hand, regret your earlier decision not to double fist.
- Struggle for a moment. Realize that despite all of her pre-wedding bridal workouts, you are significantly stronger than her. Know in your heart that if this was a trial by combat, you would emerge victorious.
- Notice a light shining on you. Look up to see the videographer approximately 10 feet away, catching all of this on film.
- Try to force a smile at the multiple professional cameras and smart phones pointed at you as the bride announces, “Now we’re sisters!”
- Walk off the dance floor, avoiding the angry glares of all of the female plus ones.
- Give the bouquet to the groom’s 10 year old niece.
- Immediately remedy your earlier decision regarding double fisting.
My 3 new St. Louis best friends
In other words, how I apparently celebrate my first night of vacation as a 31 year old.
God, this is awesome.
May the person sitting next to you be incredibly stupid.
Good luck! Only 2* more days!
not legitimate bases for denying same-sex couples due process
and equal protection of the laws. Civil marriage is one of the
cornerstones of our way of life. It allows individuals to celebrate and publicly declare their intentions to form lifelong partnerships, which provide unparalleled intimacy, companionship, emotional support, and security. The choice of whether and whom to marry is an intensely personal decision that alters the course of an individual’s life. Denying same-sex couples this choice prohibits them from participating fully in our society, which is precisely the type of segregation that the Fourteenth Amendment cannot countenance.
Dying at this Eater graphic because ain’t it the truth?
"Moules frites that spent a semester in Thailand"
If “how to be happy” was as simple as deciding every morning that you are in a good mood, then antidepressants would not exist.
Recently, The Dude and I have been making an effort to do new things in the city. It’s so easy when you work as much as we do to fall into a rut with your free time. You end up spending any nights when you’re not stuck at the office just sitting on the couch or, if you can motivate to
leave your apartment,* going out to the same old restaurants and drinking beers at the same old bars. Which is fine, sometimes! (For example, football season.) But it can get boring after a while, especially when you realize that your existence has basically become a prolonged late adolescence, with better clothes and worse hangovers.
So, last week, after flipping through the pages of Time Out New York that nobody ever actually reads, The Dude found a couple of events that we were really excited about attending. Both of them were concerts, because, contrary to all of the hate mail I received after I posted about going to Governor’s Ball, I actually really like music! Just not teenagers.
First, we saw the Dirty Dozen Brass Band at Blue Note. Not only were they incredible, energetic, and unbelievably fun, but they reconfirmed to me the power that musical ability has on one’s attractiveness.** For example, the lead singer, pictured holding the trumpet below, got a group of 25 year old women who I’m pretty sure were models to ecstatically dance on stage with him and (I think) exchange phone numbers with him after the show. And I don’t blame them — the guy was awesome.
Next, we went to Prospect Park on Saturday night and saw Deltron 3030. The show was GREAT, complete with Dan the Automator wearing a tuxedo with tails, Kid Koala spinning in a koala costume (he lost a bet, apparently), and Del the Funky Homosapian ending the encore with a rendition of “Clint Eastwood” backed by a live orchestra. More importantly, however, I had perhaps the most nutritionally balanced dinner of my life:
Yes, that is a giant chipwich, yes, it cost $7, yes, it was worth every penny, and yes, it paired beautifully with that Bud Light Lime.
*And by that, obviously I mean “put on a bra.”
** The prototypical example of this phenomenon. Those kids lucked out.
I had to make some really difficult decisions this week. They were hard, but they were long overdue, and they were completely necessary.
Standing up for yourself is tough. Doing the right thing, even if someone is going to hate you for it, is even tougher.
And after the events that happened yesterday, I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all had a pretty rough week. So here is a cute photo of Nico:
Enjoy your weekend, kids.