REAL TALK

There is only one thing that distinguishes month-long “sugar cleanses,” whole30, and choosing to go gluten free without having celiac disease from eating disorders: marketing. 

It saddens me to report that, by simply not drinking for the last three weeks* in preparation for my race and without changing any of my other dietary habits, I have lost five pounds. Now I can no longer claim ignorance to the effects of drinking wine versus water while sitting on my couch. It is unclear, however, if said weight loss is actually due to my lower caloric intake, or is simply the result of the extra energy expended by a complete and total lack of relaxation. 

* I did have wine on Passover. Not because of religion, but because I was with my family for many, many hours. This is probably why alcohol has such a central role in most major religions; even our ancestors didn’t want to listen to Grandpa Abraham pick a fight with Uncle Jacob about his new wife without a cup of wine on the side. 

haygirlhay:

゚:*✧・゚:**: *:・゚✧*:・゚ *:・゚✧ *:・゚゚:*✧・:*
・゚✧・゚:*✧:*・゚happiness is *:・゚✧*:・゚:*
・゚:*✧: * a breakfast sandwich✧*:・゚ *:
・゚:*✧・゚:**: *:・゚✧*:・゚ *:・゚✧ *:・゚: ✧・゚:*

Anonymous asked: Did you see the Obama Biden selfie? Oh man.

Not only did I see it, Meg and I were just discussing how many NSA watch lists we would be put on if we commented on it with a million heart eye emojis. Who needs to travel internationally anyway? 

ALERT
ALERT
JOE BIDEN IS ON INSTAGRAM (@VP)
HERE IS HIS FIRST PHOTO
THIS IS NOT A DRILL

ALERT

ALERT

JOE BIDEN IS ON INSTAGRAM (@VP)

HERE IS HIS FIRST PHOTO

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

No, of course we don’t have a problem with rape culture in this country, why ever would you think that we did? 
via

No, of course we don’t have a problem with rape culture in this country, why ever would you think that we did? 

via

I want to thank everyone for all of their words of encouragement about my post yesterday. I’m still scared shitless, but it’s really nice to know that other people have gone into races — especially their first long races — less prepared than they’d like to be, and finished without ending up in the morgue. 

Also, I’m already looking up fall half marathon options, because masochism. 

I need to vent for a second about this half marathon. 

Everything was going really well for a while. Like, REALLY well. For more than two months, actually. I religiously followed my training plan (made for beginners with a goal of finishing and not doing anything for time). I slogged through so many miles on the treadmill in January and February. I brought my running shoes on multiple business trips — and actually put them on. I started running outside as this abysmal winter started to pass, and even completed a ten mile run at the end of March. Except for a long run that I had to cut short due to an unanticipated rainstorm mixed with a few too many beers the night before, I didn’t miss a single workout. I felt healthy and amazing and, with the increase in vitamin D in my system, ALIVE. 

And then, on April 1, after running 5 miles that morning without incident, the outside of my right foot started hurting so badly that I could barely even walk. The three block walk home from my subway stop was agony. It was as if my body was saying, you thought you could run a half marathon?? April Fools! 

Two days later I saw an orthopedist, who diagnosed me with peroneal tendonitis. I spent the following weekend not moving, with ice on my foot and severe anxiety. (Just ask The Dude, who witnessed me actually crying over a Seamless Web order.) The following Monday, I went to my first prescribed physical therapy session, where I expected to be told that I could resume running now that my pain had somewhat subsided. Haha, yeah, not so much. She told me that, if my goal was to run the race, I should keep up my cardio by doing things like the stationary bike (ugh) or the elliptical (UGH), that I should keep coming to physical therapy to do foot and ankle strengthening exercises, and that I should do my best not to further aggravate my tendon. In other words, unless she tells me otherwise, I shouldn’t run. 

So this is where I am right now. Going to physical therapy three times a week, doing foot stretches twice a day, trying to get excited about spending an hour on the elliptical. I haven’t run in exactly 14 days, and it’s unclear whether I will at all between now and the race. I spend my days vacillating between:

I am going to be okay on April 27 as long as I keep doing cardio and have a good attitude and remember when I ran 10 miles? I can totally do this.

and: 

Holy shit I am going to die on April 27 and I am such a failure and why in the fuck did I think I could do this and I’m going to have to walk the entire race and oh god I probably won’t even be able to finish and everyone is going to see me fail.

Obviously, I am spending much more time thinking the latter. 

I’m not going to drop out of the race. That has never even been an option. Doing so would make me feel like more of a failure than I feel right now. (And I know that getting injured isn’t the same thing as failing, but shit, this certainly feels like failure.) But I really don’t know if I’ll be able to finish, and that scares the shit out of me, especially after I tried so hard and put in so much time and told so many people. I am not used to failure, but that’s not because I’m preternaturally gifted at everything. That’s because, let’s be honest — at this stage in my life, I don’t try things that I know I’m not very good at. And running is one of those things.

But I think the worst part about it is that I thought I was finally getting better. Not better in terms of speed, because, let’s be real, these corgi legs of mine will never consistently run faster than a 10 minute mile. But they could keep going, even at my pathetically slow speed, for distances I never thought I was capable of. And now I don’t even know if I can run a single mile, let alone 13.1. 

I guess the point of all of this is to say that I’m terrified. I’m afraid that in the 27 days between my last run and the race, I will have lost all of my running ability. That I’ll go out there, with my friends and family on the sidelines, and fail. That I’ll have to face the people who put up with me, and who donated to me, and tell them that I just couldn’t do it. And I don’t know if all of the elliptical workouts in the world can prevent that from happening. 

So if you could send some good vibes my way on April 27, I’d really appreciate it. 

This is the most accurate sentence that has ever been said on national television. 

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, mother of Prince George, human embodiment of the shrugging emoticon guy. 

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, mother of Prince George, human embodiment of the shrugging emoticon guy. 

Inches? I thought we were rating them on hotness.

Jaclyn’s post is amazing and important, and all of you should read it right away, but I also just want to add that it made me think of this scene. 

This makes me so proud. 

This makes me so proud. 

ibroughtyousometoast asked: I am a Neanderthal & don't know what good cheese is or what constitutes cheese "stink." My favorite cheese is White American because privilege & I don't really know any different. Is there a beginner's guide you can put in stupid guy terms?

Personally, I’m partial to Heterosexual Cisgendered American Cheese, but you do you.

I may like fancy cheese, but I am not a cheese snob. I will go to town on some Velveeta, to the point that it actually cannot be kept in my home. All cheese is good cheese, except for low fat cheese because why even bother.

As far as what “good cheese” is, you usually have to get it behind a counter, you know what type of animal it came from (goat, cow, sheep) and you know the general process by which it was made. A cheese that is soft and very white (think fresh mozzarella) is really young, while a cheese that is yellow and hard (Parmesan) is aged for a long time. What happens to a cheese while it’s aging affects what it looks and tastes like. For example, washed rind cheeses are sprayed with some sort of liquid on the outside, like beer, and that gives them kind of a funky outer coating and rind. Blue cheeses have tiny holes poked in them while they are aging, which allows air flow that leads to the development of mold. Basically there are a thousand things that can be done with cheese while it’s sitting around aging, which is why there are so many varieties. 

Oh, and the stink? Honestly, stinky cheese smells like feet. I hate the smell of stinky feet. I love the smell of stinky cheese. I dunno. 

ellegolightly asked: You are the fancy cheese connoisseur of Tumblr. I have recently been given a gift certificate for a fancy cheese shop. I like all cheese but especially Parmesan, blue, goat, and cheddar. Really all but Swiss and gouda. Can you provide any assistance as to what to buy? I'm so... overwhelmed. The website is heaven and I want it all.

FANCY CHEESES ARE THE BEST CHEESES! 

So I guess this depends on how intense you want to go. You can get some all stars that you will definitely like, or you can get some wild cards that you may hate but also may be the best thing you’ve ever eaten. I think you should get at least one weird cheese option because you aren’t paying for this so why not try something new. Regardless, you should definitely talk to the cheesemonger about what you are in the mood for, and they will almost certainly let you try anything you’re interested in. 

Anyway, here are some options! 

  • A few weeks ago, Selena and I were at Murray’s and we picked up a wheel of Winnimere cheese by Jasper Hill Farm. Holy crap was it amazing. It was basically liquid (I mean LOOK) and stinky and super intense. But also awesome. However this is NOT a cheese for the faint of heart. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. 
  • Grayson, by NOTED VIRGINIA CHEESEMAKER (!!!) Meadow Creek Dairy, is not as intense as Winnimere but still pretty out there. It is stinky but not TOO stinky, soft but not TOO soft. It’s actually one of my favorite cheeses out there, because it’s weird but you won’t assault other humans with your breath after eating it. 
  • You should definitely get a fancy blue cheese. I really like Caveman Blue because it has those little crunch crystals in the middle. Valdeon is really good too, and as an added bonus, it’s wrapped in oak leaves, which makes you look like the fanciest person at your next wine and cheese party. And isn’t that everyone’s goal? 
  • If you like Parmesan and cheddar, you should probably try a manchego. The more aged it is, the more it’s going to taste like a cheddar, but it still has a distinctive mellow machego flavor. Also if you are having manchego, I *strongly* recommend that you eat it on a patio with a Spanish wine and some marcona almonds. And then you can die because you will just entered heaven. 
  • You can’t go wrong with Mahon. It’s not super weird or anything, but it’s just a really good, salty, crowd-pleasing option. If you want to use one of your purchases as your night cheese, this is probably your best bet.
  • Oh my god you cannot forget goat. If I were you, I would get a cute little round goat cheese with a squiggly outside rind that looks like brains. (Please hire me to be your cheese salesperson, Murray’s.) Vermont Creamery has some great options, like this coupole, which almost has an umami taste because it’s so unctuous and creamy. 

And now I am very sad about the healthy salad that I’m about to eat for lunch. 

As Tumblr’s reigning risotto expert, here are my thoughts on this creation: 

As Tumblr’s reigning risotto expert, here are my thoughts on this creation: